sleeeeep

I could sleep for a week.

I worked non-stop around the clock for four days on the final ~poster~ presentation.

Again I was frustrated by the lack of clarity in the assignment description. In our lit groups we were discussing the assignment and realized there was some discrepancy in how each of us was interpreting it. I asked for clarification which really wasn't very helpful. In the end I decided to just do something and decided that as long as I could rationalize it and connect it to the course I would be alright. As I was doing it I think I had a better idea of what the prof wanted and was just glad that my approach still seemed to work. But still. Between this class and Nags, the amount of information that is missing from the assignments is bewildering. Both are new classes so maybe this is the norm for new classes. Warning to self: beware new classes.

I really was happy with my book though. I've never done scrapbooking before but I think I'm hooked. I think it's something I could get into - maybe the kids too. I'd love to have books about our adventures (and the boring parts of life too) and thanks to this class I've learned a lot about putting one together.

Some of the other presentations were really neat. I was surprised no one in this class objected to having something due the last week of classes. Because I've seen it challenged in two past classes I thought it was prohibited by senate by-laws. I'm not sure what the answer would have been but whatever. It's done now and everyone seems to have been successful.

From our last lit discussion on Closure I really felt a lack of closure. I felt our lit group (as difficult as it was some times) had a different sort of connection that the rest of the class offered. We talked about this in our feedback session with Dr. Johnson and he did put us into our lit groups at the end to say good-bye. Unfortunately some of our group's memebers had needed to leave early so it was a small good-bye for us.

I think this course cannot be judged until after the upcoming fall mentoring experience. I'm not sure if this class has prepared me or not. I'm not really sure that I was exposed to any new insights into mentoring. Maybe I've got an advantage of years of similar training and experiences and there actually was material that was new for other students. I don't know how I would design the course if I were in charge. If it's too much work no one will sign up. But I was certainly prepared to work a lot harder for a fourth year credit. The experience will be good for my resume I'm sure and because it's coming from a university it will be judged differently than the community experiences I have doing similar things. (avoiding rant on the value society places on the university diploma)

I'm interested in seeing if I'll be able to use this course for my senior independent study. It would be really nice to be use and analyze this experience for another course. We shall see.

scenarios

When I signed up for this course I never expected it to be a drama in education/community course. I really don't think there was anything in the promo material to suggest it. I knew the prof on the email was a sociology prof. I can honestly say this course was nothing like I expected it to be. But anyway, that's all past . . . I think had I known the approach to this class I probably would not have signed in. But since I've been here I've given it its full share of attention. How can I expect to get anything out of it if I don't? Someone said to me that (the problem with people) is that we think everyone else/experts/professionals knows more than we do. Sometimes this is the case, sometimes people only have a specialty. They might know more about one thing, we might know more about something else. I think I tend to idolize my professors and figure they know more about Everything. When, like last semester I discovered the info my soc prof was teaching about breastfeeding was Plain Wrong not just incomplete I think it was an eye-opening experience for me. What I'm trying to say is that even if I don't like a class I figure my prof knows more than I do so I'd better pay attention and glean whatever gems are to be found.

The last two classes there's been more planning for the fall. We've been brainstorming breakout sessions and practicing presenting them. There has also been some role playing of mentoring challenges. I realized this week how much of my previous experience leading for La Leche League is related to the course. The training of a Leader Applicant is very similar to training a mentor. There is information to be learned (facts about breastfeeding/facts about learning), communication skills to be developed, and both culminate in practicing all of this in a safe environment before being thrown to the wolves. Once I made this connection I was flooded with all the tools and ? tricks? that I could draw on. What a wonderful feeling. I was shocked I had never realized it before. Sometimes the language is a barrier: all this semester we've been talking about mentors and I hadn't expanded the terminology to find other experiences that might match by definition even if they used a different name. This class has stressed that we are not teachers or leaders but facilitators and I think that discouraged me from reaching. I realize the LLLC Handbook would have been a wonderful secondary text - lots in there about giving feedback, providing information in a non-threatening manner, guiding discussions, keeping a group focused, how to deal with problems in group dynamics: what a valuable resource I will have in the fall!

Lucky me. :)

group work

I have found my group to be a challenge. I have found all my groups this semester to be a challenge. At least in this class no one bangs her head until she bleeds, threatens actions with a gun, or faints during class. sigh It's hard to concentrate on any of my other classes with the overwhelming feelings I have from the other one. Coming to mentorship class is such a break. The preparation is minimal, the in-class work is straightforward, although the expectations are not very clear.

We had to compile a goup tool kit submission. One group member was away when our submissions were returned to us. I was very frustrated and this frustration was shared by others in our group when we were told that all of us received a perfect mark on our ideas. We thought it was clear in several of our submissions the amount of work that had gone into them. There were ones where hours of work had been invested and others that looked like they were whipped up in the half hour before class. One member said this was exactly the case between his two submissions. Had we known that we were only being marked on the idea and not on the presentation or development I think the amount of effort might have been different leaving more energy for other projects.

But this is not supposed to be a gripe session.

Who becomes the leader in a group of leaders? We were given minimal time in class to compile/edit the best of our ideas and then had to meet outside of class to complete the scrutinizing/purging. I volunteered to assemble the final products and spent the weekend doing this. It's a theme this semester that in group work everyone gets the same mark/credit but one or two people do the majority of the work. Does that mean the other people have learned how to optimize a situation and get the credit with minimal effort? Does it mean that some people have control issues? I have a lot of anxiety about my grades. I have discovered that the best way for me to ensure a good mark is to be involved right up to the end. If I'm not involved I can't really criticize the product or the mark but as an involved participant I can contribute the most. I *want* my voice to be heard. I guess if I wasn't concerned then it would be easier to let go.

I'll be glad when I'm done with group work for this semester. And I'm glad I'm facilitating and not part of the group in the fall.

precious

For some reason Oryx and Crake makes me think of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I kept waiting for Snowman/Jimmy to call his stuff - any of it - something - "preshussssssss". A lot of people complained about the length of the book. Others wanted to brainstorm lists of ways to get the mentees to read it in the fall - assuming that there's going to be an issue. "If we as seniors had a hard time with it, what are the first years going to say." I think that by approaching it this way, assuming there's going to be a problem, these mentors are meeting trouble half way, and maybe even creating a problem where there isn't one. We looked at the trouble with assumptions and I think it applies here. I think saying to them, "don't worry, it all comes together at the end" encourages the mentees to see go looking for a problem where there might not be one. I didn't have a problem waiting to see how the book turns out in the end. I was required to read the book and so I did.

In my first semester one of my professors piled on a huge amount of (what I thought were) complex readings. She expected us to read them and made herself available for discussing them in class if there were questions. She did not lecture on the reading because she felt that was redundant and provided lectures which contained other information. This course was a lot of work but I appreciated her high expectations of us. At the end of the course I felt like I'd really accomplished something. If the reading had been spoonfed to me, along with the lectures, and the exams easy-peasy I don't think I would have had that same feeling of accomplishment.

This is university. I think the mentees can expect that the work is going to be challenging. I think it's okay to expect them to work. There lucky in that they have mentors to help them.

My secondary text, Under Her Wing, speaks to this as well: sometimes a mentor pushes you in a new direction, one in which you might not otherwise have treaded. All of the anecdotes showed that this was a positive experience in the end even if difficult at the time. The mentor's encouragement was supportive and the mentees knew they could do it.

This is the type of support I would like to offer to my group in the fall.

tool kit

Handed in the original tool kit idea last class. I wish we'd had some discussion before working on these. I really was not sure what exactly to do. I ended up going overboard and making another board game. I must say though that it gets easier and quicker each time. Still, way more work than was necessary.

I think it's time to accept that I'm a workaholic and overachiever so that I can begin to try to deal with it and tone it down. How is this going to affect me as a mentor in the fall? Well, what happens if I end up assigned to a group of mentees who are content to do the bare minimum? That will be a lesson for me in patience. There will be a line between helping them be motivated and not putting my own expectations onto them.

Another effect always shows midterm and at finals. I get exhausted and wiped out. If I'm giving 100% in five different classes, 100% at home and work, I'm in overdraft because it's not possible to give 100% in that many directions. There needs to be a balance. This mentoring class could be an emotional drain and I have to be prepared with enough resources and cushion that I'm not going to become physically or emotionally spent. I will have other classes which will need my attention as well - I can't only think about this one.

I also have to keep in mind that this is their class, I am just a facilitator. While I have an influence, it is not all about me. ;)

My own future

All this talk about visioning the future is getting me down.

Not only am I concerned about the future of the planet, my children's future, politics, business, and all those things but I've been forced to take a look at my own future.

How can I be 32 years old and still not clear about what I want to do with my life? What am I going to be when I grow up?

I've gotten better at clarifying my needs as far as what resources I feel are important and what minimum standard I would like to/need to keep. I've done poverty and decided that with three kids I need to have food in the house. I hated being poor. I don't think I realized it at the time - I was so idealistic and stupid/immature. There is something to be said for eating. Life is easier when you are not stressed about when you will be able to feed your family again. I never want to be that poor again.

I don't feel (tonight anyway) that the future is a particularly inviting place. Maybe because it's snowing, maybe because I'm unsure how to tackle the next assignment, maybe it's because I'm thinking about choosing courses and a degree and a career. :) I guess that's a pretty tall order.

I'm supposed to be tying this back to mentorship and learning. Hmmm. Well this week's reading is about closure. I'd like some closure on school that's for sure. If I could just commit myself to the four year degree maybe life would be easier instead of trying to hurry up and finish early. In another 2 years my youngest would be six. Maybe it would be possible for me to consider grad school in another city. Maybe Windsor would offer something that I would qualify for. /sigh/ back to this course. right.

Closure with a specific date in mind seems very appealing to me. My life has been such chaos in the past that I seem strongly and strangely attracted to absolutes and logic these days. I don't ever want to run another semester without a computer science or other black-and-white-cut-and-dry course. All these arts/social science courses are completely draining me.

I like spontaneity too - I definitely like changing gears when appropriate. I just find comfort in a basic underlying structure so that I know I don't always have to think on my toes - that I won't always be under pressure to have a great idea on the fly. I'm glad our mentorship course spells that out for us.

more and more

More classes. More and more.

We're getting down to business now: there's more and more talk about what the fall class is going to look like. It's awfully difficult trying to figure out what I need to learn - which skills need more development - when I'm still not really sure what it is I'm going to be doing.

It's a lesson in patience (again). And trust.

Patience: letting the course unfold as the committe desires
- letting things unfold without forcing them before they're ready - allowing things to come out naturally.